Shitty Halloween Candy

15 Oct

With Trick-or-Treat night coming up in a couple of weeks I am seeing every shelf filled with candy that I love.    I am reminded of just how many nights I spent working my ass off begging for candy from total strangers.

Snickers, Twix, Kit-Kat, Junior Mints, Dum-Dums….the loot would stack and stack.

And then eventually I would hit the “asshole” house and get a fistful of those black-n-orange-shits.    I never knew what they were because they tasted like dirt and were immediately kicked out of my bag.   I recently saw them in the store and they claim to be made of peanut butter.   I didn’t buy them and still to this day refuse to have them anywhere near me.

Kids want chocolate.  Or Sour Patch Kids. Or iPads (the entitled shits of today I mean)   I would have accepted the fabled razor-blade-in-the-apple over these pathetic black-n-orange rocks any Halloween night.

In fact — confession time–  if you handed these out and remember a little Batman staring at you for a full 20 seconds before opening my his bag and fishing out all those black-and-orange-shits you just put in my his bag…and then watched as he threw them at your feet and walked away…. remember that?

Yeah.  that was ME, Asshole.

Just a FYI – giving out shitty candy is a good way to get a flaming bag of poo on your door.

Or bricks through your window.

Or waking up and noticing your car is missing….only to later hear from the police it was found four states away upside down…crashed into the front entrance to the Circle K.

I am just sayin’.    Get the good stuff.


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